Monday, April 25, 2011

Live and Learn

So since my last post quite a bit has happened. For those who do not know we are moving to Casper, WY in less than three weeks. It is so bittersweet. I have looked forward to this part of life (you know...the part where you're no longer in school and your husband works a normal 8-5 job) since we first got married. It's really fun because for years we have stayed up late talking about what it will be like when the time comes and now that it's here we are still staying up late and kind of in awe that we made it and it's here and we LOVE looking at new pics of our house which I am WAY excited about! But life never really slows down. It seems like I am living in chaos with boxes everywhere and bare walls and an incredibly disgusting messy house. Jack and I have a deal that he packs the boxes (I'm a crappy box packer, apparently) and I unpack the boxes which I want anyway so I put things where I want them. I imagine it will be somewhat like The Incredibles when I call him three years down the road and tell him we are officially moved in and the last box is unpacked.
So I am still in that contemplation mode that I talked about in my last post. Almost three weeks ago my cousin delivered a little baby boy at 27 weeks old. He was so perfect. They got to be with him six days before he passed. My heart ached for them and I prayed and cried and hoped that they could feel the love and support from people even far away, like myself. Jack and I decided when the little Ethan passed that I really needed to go up and support Geoffrey and Sharee (their link is on my sidebar if you're curious). My dad told Geoff I was coming and Geoff asked me to sing at his burial service with one of his friends and that was a huge honor for me. The viewing and service was so tender. It just does not look right seeing that teeny little baby in a casket. My heart broke watching my cousin and his wife carry his casket in their arms. It just seems like they shouldn't have to endure a pain like that. And yet, it is not my plan. I'm so not in charge. And while it may not have been their plan either I have to put faith where faith is needed and just say he was too good for this earth. I am a firm believer that we chose many of our trials before we came to this earth and I imagine he volunteered to be the one for his family to pass on and help from the other side. I've often thought the same thing of my little brother who has had two brain tumors and battles daily with the affects from that. I think he chose that and is protected because of that and I think he was the best one in my family that stood up and said if this is what my family needed to come unto the Savior then he would do it. They are heros.
So Geoff gave me a few days notice and I sang the song several times throughout the week, "Families Can Be Together Forever" just to make sure I could make it through without crying, but just couldn't make it happen. The morning I was scheduled to fly out I was singing the song while doing the dishes and when I finished the second verse, I kept going on to a third. Now, I am no song writer. I've never written a song. But it came out so perfectly and naturally that I stopped what I was doing and began writing. I had a third verse especially for them. Bu I was so nervous. I AM NOT A SONG WRITER and I was so scared that it would be weird. I ran it past a few family members who said it was great, but really? What else are they gonna say? Anyway, I was determined that when I got together to practice with the other guy that I would introduce it to him. But that never happened. Our schedules never worked out and in my head I was battling up until the moment that I sang. But I completely chickened out. I didn't do it and I'm so sad that I didn't follow through. One day, I will record it for them. They're pretty fantastic people. Democrats, but fantastic (I had to make fun of that cause I know they read my blog).
As the time is dwindling down, I knew we were going to be asked to speak and it came and is now gone. Jack and I were the speakers on Easter Sunday and we also sang "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." Then to top off an already busy week, Jack taught in Elders Quorum and I in Young Women. It was a fantastic Easter Sunday. I think because I was mentally and spiritually prepared for it. I got to think about and study talks on the Savior's resurrection and found the perfect one for me to speak on. Absolutely fantastic read: Elder Jeffrey R Holland's "None Were With Him." In fact, if you youtube "the easter message-none were with him," I guarantee you will feel better and blessed and be better for watching it. I felt so much gratitude and now have a better understanding and stronger testimony that I KNOW and am reassured yet again, that I have a Savior and Redeemer. And it is because of Him that I have a family that can be together forever. That, to me, is the most precious gift anyone could possibly ever offer because I would do anything for my family and would feel so lost if I didn't have the assurance that I will see my husband and my children again after we pass through this life. I've got one beautiful family and I'm squeezing them a little tighter each day as I'm trying to count my blessings and they are at the top.

PS do you like my new hat? Jack got it for me on his Costa Rica trip and it actually swears at me in really artsy handwriting on the bill. He had no idea which just makes it cute and funny to me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I think it has been forever since I have posted. I have a kazillion things to always say, but for some reason it sounds retarded (shocker!) when i get it down. I've been in quite the reflective mode for some time now and a few thoughts are coming out tonight.
First of all, I cannot get over how blessed I truly am. I am married to the only man who truly caught my eye, who is my best friend, and who I am always humbled with the amount of love and affection and loyalty that he has for me. I have always felt like Jack could really see who I was even past the facade that i felt like I needed to display at one point in my life. And he loves the real me. And that means a lot to a person who is very unsure of herself in so many ways.
Next, my kids are the most awesome ever. You may disagree with me because of some bias towards your own, But sorry, it's just not true. Each one of my kids is so different. I've never been a person who goes by the book (which I've for the most part thought was bogus cause I think its a crap shoot for all of us)...i'm more of a shoot from the hip kind of a gal. That being said, I am happy that the more kids that I have, I am becoming the parent that I want to be. I really am getting better at it. In fact, our next door neighbor came over today to tell me that my almost 5 year old was stuck up on the cement wall that divides our houses and that he needed help getting down. It makes me laugh. Jackson can scale our rod iron fence with his toes and pull himself up onto the roof by balancing on the toes of one foot like its no big thing. So I went to the back honestly expecting that he was stuck like our neighbor said he was, but he was leaning against the roof of their house six feet above the ground in his dark bad guy spiderman costume chewing on a piece of grass. Seriously? Where did he come from? We need trees to climb, dangit!
I think something that I truly appreciate the most is the Savior said to come unto him as a little child. Two examples in the last few days. Jack and I MAJORLY got after Emma and sent her and the other kids to bed early. I went in quite sometime later to turn off lights and she was in her bed writing us a letter telling us that she loved us. Talk about humility. She was such a good example. Yet another. We got after Jackson tonight at dinner for acting inappropriate and we were probably a little too hard. He didn't even want to eat dinner anymore and he wouldn't allow us to hug him for a while. Anyhow, after eating his dinner I told him he could have a popsicle and he broke it in half and gave it to Jack. It was so perfect. Nothing was said he just had moved on and was being perfectly sweet. I love that boy.
At church I was feeling a little sad. We have only four Sundays left before we move from Cali. There are so many reasons why I can't wait to move. We are really excited to start the part of life that we have been working toward our whole married life. However, I have made so many dear friends that it breaks my heart to leave. I love women the women in my church. The women that I have worked with in Young Women the last four years are AMAZING. They are some of my favorite people. There is always the fear when I move and leave those that mean so much to me. I think I know that there are good people everywhere, but is there going to be a friend who gets me and loves me anyway? I'm starting a prayer for that one already!